Thursday, August 28, 2008

Story Tellers Unplugged 08/28/08

Into My Own Hands
Hey, everyone. I’ve been sitting here for twenty minutes trying to think of a title and gave up. I went to my list of unused story titles. Because at the very least the title needs to be catchy. I’m notorious for needing a title and the last line of a story in my head before I can go on and write the damn thing. This is the case with my Richard Matheson-esque story “The Night of The Two Moons.” Yes, I received another email last week reminding me–wrongly–about Mars being closest to the earth tonight, which started as an email back in 2003. Its a decent story yet I can’t end it with the right turn of the phrase. Its what I get for trying to emulate Matheson. Look for it before the turn of the decade. Along with my H.P. Lovecraft redneck story “The Sumbitch Horror.”

I turn 49 next week, which means I’m dangerously close to outliving Rod Serling. I’ve outlived David Janssen, The Fugitive himself, and Elvis. An aside here, just because its damn weird, there’s this thing you can look up on Wikipedia, “The WOW! Signal.” The only type of possible radio transmissions were recorded overnight at an observatory in Ohio. The guy who checked the printout in the morning saw the 72 seconds of activity–the length of the telescope arc– wrote WOW! and circled it. The date: August 16th, 1977. The day Elvis died. I postulate that he simply went home. My friend Harry Fassl put it quite succinctly, the radio waves were the sounds of a dinner bell. I never once thought about the fact that I’ll be 50 on 09/09/09. That’s the day that the new version of PLAN 9 FROM OUTER SPACE will hit theaters. One of Beth Massie’s old cronies, Lee Snavely, and I are planning a ridiculous YouTube called PLAN 9 FROM MySPACE. We’ll film it both here in Chicago and at Lee’s secret lab in Richmond, have one of the cops be a computer repairman instead, pretty much riff on the entire film. I think the flying saucers will be old Microsoft Word CDs. I may get my nieces’ corgi to be Bela Lugosi. We’ll see. (Lee and I were responsible for the FISHNETS FOR VIGODA “meme” in the hopes that we could get the phrase high up on the Googleometer,and we at least got it to New Zealand).

Yes, you read that correctly. I can make YouTubes now, I’m no longer on dial-up. I have Comcast, and the night after it was hooked up, I was relacing a light bulb in my closet, the bulb broke and I couldn’t help but touch the filament. Trying to balance myself, I then put my right hand on an old hard drive on my shelf. But I then was able to kick away the stool I was on and fall to the floor, the remainder of the bulb shattered and I lost all power for the next 40 hours. So, yes, I have high speed, when I’m not busy blowing up things. I’ll tell you, though, one of these days an accident will give me those super powers I’ve been wanting. Just what the world needs: Half-Century Man, the oldest hero alive.

So its the end of summer and I have no lessons to tell anyone, other than how NOT to change a light bulb, so I hope you’ll just let me ramble on like Laird Creiger in HANGOVER SQUARE, only its not a piano playing in the background, rather Sandy Nelson hitting the tubs in LET THERE BE DRUMS. I’ve been out looking for work again, and last week in the Loop I ran into Rockabilly Dave. Quite a few homeless people sell STREETWISE, and they keep half of every dollar issue they sell. Dave usually stands at the corner of Monroe and Clark, he has that early 60s look, the sideburns and thinning floptop, but his eyes are sunken and he is always pale. But back in the days I worked downtown, I’d spend half my lunch hour jawing with him about Sandy Nelson, Link Wray, Dave Brubeck, obscure bands like The Hondells and the Del-Rays, and all kinds of cool stuff. I’m at my best, writing and thinking creatively, when I’m on the train or writing in my commonplace book by the water filtration plant, Lake Michigan on three sides of me. I’m not the same me when I walk through the front door, maybe because I’m in the suburbs and the big, bad city is behind me and to the east. Dave will be MIA for days at a time because he gets day labor. He’s not into drink. I think he and I share the fact that we want the street running through our veins, the dankness of the subway tunnels clearing our sinuses (mine, at least). I applaud him for not expecting a handout by sitting in front of a boarded up storefront with a White Castle cup saying ‘gimme change’ every three seconds like an off-key bell in a church tower. Here’s to Dave for being happy, while I’m here trying to tie this up into something that will fit with the title I’ve posted.

Hrmm. Nope, I got nothing. I’ll keep going for the 1000 words if I can. I ACTUALLY am working on one of those stories-that-might-be-a-novella called “Into His Own Hands,” and deals with a few loose ends someone needs to take care of before he leaves town for a new job. So this weekend I’ll be spending the night at these fleabag called the Diplomat, which would pretty much be listed under Crack Houses in the city guide. Wire netting for ceilings, chairs with one arm, that’s all you need for shooting up. Razor blade marks on the top of the television. I know this because a friend from Canada stayed there one night in 2000 but I need to see it for myself. And its only four blocks from Wrigley Field. So if I go “into the erff” per street cop terminology, someone reading this can give a heads up, but I wouldn’t wait for any reward money to be posted. Whoever finds my body can finish the story, how’s that? Take the pen out of my cold, dead hands.


Anonymous said...

Hey, nice hat. :)

Charles Gramlich said...

If anyone could have an accident and end up a super hero, it would be you, Wayne.

Capcom said...

Aw, is that li'l Waynie? :-x

Yay, Link Wray.

Well if there are no handy gamma rays available, I guess you'll have to utilize the next best thing and use electrocution to Super Size yourself. :-)

I hope that just once I can experience White Castle food before I leave this mortal coil.

Wayne Allen Sallee said...

Capcom: Agh. They call me Waynie in KY. Well, actually Whine-ee, depending on which relative is talking. You really aren't missing much on our WC sliders, Ill eat them of course, because I love clogging my body two bites at a time, but they make a mean hot chocolate.

Charles: I really do think I'm more like Bruce Willis in UNBREAKABLE, though everyone says I'm Mr. Glass. I just need something really bizarre that will cause my metagene to activate.

Von: I'm just lucky I wasn't trapped into wearing a babushka. I'll bet that one hat went through three kids birthdays before mine, we were so damn poor on Crystal Street.

James Robert Smith said...

I always liked Fart Man from a photo funny in the lamented NATIONAL LAMPOON MAGAZINE of the 70s. The man with super-powered farts. (He could even fly! You can guess how.)

Capcom said...

Maybe if you eat enough WCs it will activate it! :-o