Monday, March 19, 2007

To See If I Could Feel





Note: photos posted after my 12 hour shift at work, promise. The plates in my arm broke, literally snapped. I could hold my arm in front of me and not see my hand. As I stand here at the computer, Glenn Smid gives me a funny look as I stretch my left arm and run my left hand over an invisible ridge. To a small extent, if I stretch the arm out and you look over my shoulder, you can still see a bit of a roller coaster kind of arm. But the effect changed my future days more than seeing David Janssen in the false dawn. June, 1989. I pretend nothing is wrong, my arm is just healing. July, 1989. I am chewing on my brain, finally giving in to my own frailty. The scar widens, my circulatory system in my left hand is gone forever. Over one week, the operating rooms blurring because my glasses were taken from me before I was wheeled anywhere, country music playing as the anesthesia filled my lungs, something about the Queen of Memphis. i awaken because my arm is being suspended in an ice bag and the pain is both hot and cold, needles and liquid tar, simultaneously. My brain could not process this and I begged for Demerol, I begged for something else than began with the letter D. The doctors knew my life was over if my left arm could not be fixed, so much of the bone powder now, because my right arm will always be the useless little fuck it has been since my unforgiving birth. The last resort, part of my right hip is grafted into my left arm, what the hell, make the insides a fucking video game. My new keloid scar will turn white when my arm tans, but I will not know this for two more summers. August, 1989. I am allowed to go home on uncertain legs, still on uncertain terms with my fate. September 1989. I turn 30.

14 comments:

Sidney said...

Sorry there was so much pain, my friend, but I'm glad you passed on that other D. The past 17 years wouldn't have been the same.

Charles Gramlich said...

About all I can say is "ouch!"

HemlockMan said...

And I thought my 30th was rough.

HemlockMan said...

And I thought my 30th was rough.

Wayne Allen Sallee said...

bob, you seem to repeat those comments a lot, as if time is blipping. charles, i've ouched more than you falling off your cycle. sid, i'll live this life til this life doesn't need me anymore. not certain death has anything to do with my future anymore...

Wayne Allen Sallee said...

bob, you seem to repeat those comments a lot, as if time is blipping. charles, i've ouched more than you falling off your cycle. sid, i'll live this life til this life doesn't need me anymore. not certain death has anything to do with my future anymore...

Lucas Pederson said...

(Gritting teeth and sucking a sharp breath)
Holy shit! I'm surprised things worked out with your writing! It's amazing what the human body can go through, isn't it? Take a lickin and keep on tickin. Something like that anyway. I'm glad you perservered. Here's to you!

Emily said...

hi there... your blog is very artsy. thanks for stopping by ours earlier today... how did u stumble upon it? hope that couchsurfing works out for you! peace, trent and emily.

BlondebutBright said...

Your words really captured my attention. It sounds violent and painful and much worse than my experience with broken bones and anesthesia.

I'll be singing that NIN song the rest of the day too, thanks. :)

Susan Miller said...

"I am allowed to go home on uncertain legs, still on uncertain terms with my fate. September 1989. I turn 30."

As a reader I do so love this last bit. As a fellow human I respect the tenacity it took for you to be who and where you are now.

SQT said...

Everytime I read these posts I cringe a little. I admire your ability to get up and keep going, but there has to be those days where it's hard not feel a bit of self pity. I know I would.

I'm just glad you're still here and writing all this down for the rest of us.

Lana said...

Wow...Talk about tenacity! Sorry for the pain & hassles. Keep on fighting!

Steve Malley said...

Aren't you glad to know you're not one of those poor sods steps on the soap and buys it?

Or discovers an allergy to shellfish way too late?

Seems so strange that some live through the most unbelievable punishment, and others shuffle off this mortal coil so easily. Glad you're one of the former!

etain_lavena said...

I wanted to comment yesterday, and I could not...timeout....
I am sorry you had to go trough this bebe, we get stuff to learn stuff....weird that the dudes surname was Janssen...my moms maiden name is Jansen...WEIRD:)